06.20.00 – Post-Politically Incorrect

hello you.
ryan miller here, dutifully reporting from home base, usa.
about 1.5 months ago, we were in los angeles taping a late night talk show, “the late late show with craig kilborne.” in the backstage area, next to our dressing room, was a door marked “politically incorrect,” another talk show centered around 4 (semi-celebrity) guests and a quick-witted host. i thought about my own pseudo-celebrity status…..
“hehe” i said to our publicist, dana.
“what?” she asked.
“do you think that you could get me on politically incorrect?”
“i don’t see why not. bif naked was a guest on there recently…”
so that is how it all began. about a week later, dana informed me that one of the bookers of pi had not only heard of our band but thought i was “cute.” two weeks later, i was booked on the show for a june 15 taping, june 16 to air.
mercy me.
i was instantly nervous. who were the other guests? what would the topics be? would i end up like ben folds, who said nothing the entire time? or would i be like that idiot guy from that crappy movie about the dog and the robot who, after watching him speak, made me want to punch myself in the face?
then i got the call.
“it’s dana”
“who is it? who else is on the show?”
“well, one of them is a christian rock singer on warner brothers. she used to be a witch or something. her name is tracy-dawn.”
“then there is jimmy jam, very famous record producer.”
“i know him. i hear he is nice.”
“but here’s the big one, ry. brace yourself.”
would it be superstar comedian/political pundit dennis miller? would i be discussing napster with lars ulrich? the state of modern politics with jesse jackson? the notion of celebrity with madonna? maybe, just maybe, for the first time ever, a sitting president would agree to appear on the show and discuss, in an informal setting to a late night audience, his most personal intimate opinions on the future of the american people and the balance of world power????
“it’s pauly shore.”
so. the show was fun. they put me up in a nice hotel. i ordered room service. i said a few things on the show (when i could interrupt mr. shore) that weren’t the dumbest things i have said in my life. i didn’t shove my foot down my throat. i wore my second favorite sweater. i ate sushi in the green room and exchanged pleasantries with jimmy jam.
the next night, i was on the airplane back home when the show aired. my mom and dad called when i landed.
“you looked good, we thought.”
“pauly shore was kinda dumb.”
“yeah, but he was nice.”
“well, your father and i are proud of you.”
“thanks, mom.”
“do you think they’ll have you back?”
“they said they wanted me to come back sometime.”
“you must be tired.”
“i am.”
“ok. go to sleep. we’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“night night.”
“night night.”

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