This was our 2nd show with our new tour bus. The show was fine. It was after the show that *the shit went down* and someone out there knows exactly what I’m talking about. Tour busses come with bathrooms, and the toilets can handle tinkle but not crap. The pipes can’t process solid waste — they get clogged and start to stink. No Pooping is The Rule on every tour bus. Adam once pooped in a trash bag because he couldn’t hold it and he respected The Rule.
Last night someone shit in the toilet on our new bus. Our driver, who we are just getting to know, was dumbfounded. Day Two and he had to break out the rubber gloves. We were upset as well. So upset that we are asking for your help. Below are the top five suspects, selected during an intense one hour meeting this morning between band members and crew members. In the name of justice, come forward whoever you are…
1.) Dalton Sim
Dalton is our manager and he should know better than to shit on our bus. However he ate Mexican food last night and he doesn’t have to live on this thing. Dalton is 5 foot 9 and hangs out at the White Hen Pantry in Porter Square a lot.
2.) Jennifer Terpollili
Jennifer is a friend of our sound engineer, Rob. She was on the bus, with another friend, for an hour after the show last night. Rob claims neither of them left the back lounge, but Rob could be involved in a cover-up. Rob himself is lucky he isn’t in the list of suspects.
3.) Bill Carroll
Bill is our good friend who works for our record label. He has been in the business for many years and is an avid reader of our road journal. I SAW HIM USE OUR BATHROOM, but he wasn’t in there for more than a minute. Perhaps he committed the crime swiftly, maybe without wiping, but Bill knows The Rule and we doubt he’d do that to us.
4.) Ellen from WBRU
Ellen was in charge of running the concert last night, and her name has been changed in this journal entry. She is a suspect because we discovered her cell phone in the front lounge of our bus after the show. She could have walked on the bus while we were on stage, shat comfortably in our air-conditioned bathroom rather than using the port-o-potty outside, and then gone on about her merry way, leaving the cell phone behind as incriminating evidence. Arguments against The Ellen Theory include the strong argument that “girls don’t shit.”
5.) Elizabeth Weinberg
Liz is the person I email this stuff to so it will go up on the website in a timely manner, without requiring that I learn html or ftp or any of that stuff. I pretty much just included her in the list to see if she would edit it out before it went up. I don’t really think you crapped on our bus, Liz.
Editor’s note: I didn’t do it.