07.10.03 – The Bag of Shame

HOW TO CREATE YOUR VERY OWN BAG OF SHAME: Just to refresh, the bus toilet is for tinkle only, and bus rules dictate that no one shall poop in it, at all costs. How you go about dealing with the situation is up to you, but no one shits in the tank of the toilet, period. Sean has been known to ride shotgun and weep until Michael pulls over at a rest stop for him. Matt has been known to cropdust the halls of the bus until you feel like you need a shower. As far as we know, Allyson has never shit, and I generally write about every bowel movement I make on this website, so there’s no need to elaborate on how I deal with it. Ryan and Adam are fans of the Bag of Shame. Having never created one myself, I figured some PG-13 photographed documenatation was in order. With ten minutes to showtime and no backstage potty at the Sokol Auditorium in Omaha tonight, Ryan declined the Sokol public restroom option, declined the Burger King down the street option, and went with the Bag of Shame.
STEP 1: Remove a trash bag from the cabinet and walk into the bathroom. Black trash bags are recommended. If you can only find white, you may want to double-bag it so no one can see your poop through it.
STEP 2: Line bus toilet with bag(s). Sit down and go about your business carefully, but regularly. Wipe. Put the paper in the Bag of Shame. There is no need to flush.
STEP 3: If you want, examine the contents of your bag, then tie it so it’s closed tightly. It’s a good idea to offer everyone on the bus the chance to feel your Bag of Shame from the outside. It’s warm! Now go wash your hands.
STEP 4: For the sake of everyone else who lives on the vehicle, spray the blue can so the bus smells like shit and flowers, not just shit. While you’re at it, spray Matt’s hole a couple of times.
STEP 5: Walk off the bus, past the line of people waiting to get into the venue, and find a trash can where you can drop your Bag of Shame. It’s important to walk briskly, with a purpose, and avoid eye contact. If you get sucked into a conversation with a fan in the line, they may ask you what you’ve got in the bag.