10.22.03 – Consumer Report

I am going to write a brief but definitive consumer report on bottled spring water right now. There is no one more qualified to do this than me. I am The Thundergod and I have been drinking ten random bottles of water a day for eight years now. If I didn’t include your favorite brand of water in my report, you are welcome to write me about it and I will tell you whether it’s worth drinking or not.

GREATEST BEVERAGES ON EARTH: Crystal Geyser, Poland Spring, Deer Park.

I DRINK IT, BUT I FEEL FUNNY ABOUT IT: Aquafina, Dasani

GOOD: Ice Mountain, Arrowhead, Volvic

FAIR: Dannon, Member’s Mark “Natural”

EXCUSE ME, DID YOU JUST PISS IN A BOTTLE AND SELL IT TO ME? I THINK YOU DID. I THINK YOU JUST SOLD ME THIS BOTTLE OF WATER THAT TASTES LIKE PISS. I WOULDN’T WASH MY ARMPITS WITH THIS WATER. IF A DROP OF THIS WATER HAPPENED TO END UP ON MY TOOTHBRUSH I WOULD HAVE TO THROW THE TOOTHBRUSH AWAY:

Aberfoyle, Evian

I feel a little funny writing about bottled water and not Elliott Smith today. If you don’t have any Elliott Smith records, you really can’t go wrong with any of them. Sad.

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