Amarillo TX: Just For Men (Part 2)

Where did we leave off?  Ryan borrowed a truck from a guy named Jesse in Amarillo who answered his tweet.  Jesse will get a care package of GUSTER bumper stickers, road journal books from 2003, irregular t-shirts, and other nice prizes from the “surplus inventory” closet of our office in return.  Then they went to visit some cadillacs in a puddle?  What the hell is going on in these pictures.




Meanwhile I decided to Just For Men the shit out of my beard in the hotel room.  In just five minutes.  First it took me a half hour to capture a BEFORE picture with my iPhone that properly showcased my sparkling salt ‘n pepper.  The lighting was never right.  Maybe I never had any gray in my beard to begin with?  I hadn’t known about the button that flips the direction of the camera until I took 25 pictures of myself in a mirror with a phone blocking my beard:

Here are some proper BEFORE pics:


Then I opened the package and read the little pamphlet.  Nowhere in the directions does it say anything at all about how long the dark brown color lasts in your beard.  Forever?  A day?  I just want to look youthful and dashing for my Red Rocks show.  Fuck the rest of the tour.  I had no choice but to plug this question into the internets and see what my old friend “Yahoo Answers” had to say about it, because Yahoo Answers always gives you the correct answer, especially when you have an important medical question, like I did.

“Up to six weeks” according to user agmp26 .  Also, I might have landed on the Yahoo question to “How Long Do Most Men Last In Bed?”  — and I can only say that my own answer to that question will be very different once I change the color of my beard.

Anyway, there are plastic gloves that come in your Just For Men box:


You are supposed to wear them when you handle the product, which scares the crap out of me, because I am about to schmear this product all over my face.  Also, I may have tasted a little bit of it before I read that you shouldn’t.  You make two lines of the goop:


Then you mix it up with a brush:


Then you schmear it on your face:


Then you wait five minutes and take a shower where you shampoo your beard:

{picture removed by}

Then you get out of the shower and you still have white hair in your chin.  So you wait until you are dry and do it again.  And it kind of works.  Right?  I am dashing and young in this AFTER photo, right?  All told, it only took me an hour and a half to brush the gray out of my beard in five minutes:


So now I look like the dude on the Just For Men Dark Brown box and life is sweet — and the best part?  No one has any idea I did anything!


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5 responses to “Amarillo TX: Just For Men (Part 2)

  1. Dave

    So proud. So. Proud.

  2. Beth

    Ever listen to the My Brother, My Brother and Me podcast? They delve into the deepest corners of yahoo answers. An exploration of humanity really. Plus it makes for some genius podcasting.

  3. Gwyndelon

    You have always been a dashing young man to me ever since you were in a band called “Gus”.

  4. mmartin

    This is by far the most amusing thing I’ve read in some time. I know, I need to get out more probably… But seriously, the pics are a hoot – enjoyed your foray back to youth mightily.

  5. Um, how scandalous was the “shampooed beard” picture that the Decency Police had to remove it?!?

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